Tis the Season to Be Like a Golden Retriever

Golden Retriever

It’s the season of holiday parties with family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and strangers. It’s also the season in America to easily offend someone.

Religion and politics have always been taboo subjects at social gatherings. But now it’s unwise to even say the words “Trump,” “Biden,” “Hunter,” “Zelinski,” “Putin,” or “George Washington.”

Likewise, don’t mention January 6. It’s also best to avoid mentioning the year 1492 and the year 1776.

So as not to be seen as supporting colonialism, don’t admit to living in a colonial-style house. Similarly, so as not to come across as insensitive to indigenous people, don’t admit to living in a territorial-style house.

Don’t say you heard something on CNN, CNBC, Fox News, or talk radio. Don’t quote the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. And don’t mention any movies or books you like.

If you enjoy hunting, keep it to yourself. The same if you enjoy going to Disney World.

Avoid the subjects of COVID, vaccines, masks, lockdowns, school closings, and Anthony Fauci.

Try not to use any pronouns.

Park your car down the street so other guests won’t know what your drive. Otherwise, if you’re seen in an EV, know-it-all Uncle Harry will tell you that EV’s are recharged with electricity from fossil fuels and that they contain lithium mined by child labor. Conversely, if you’re seen in a petro-guzzling SUV, a twenty-something who looks like Greta Thunberg will lecture you that the world is going to burn up by next Christmas.

A Prius will imply that you’re a Democrat and probably a communist. A Ford Super Duty pickup will imply that you’re a Republican and probably a white supremacist.

If you’re married, have children, and are at the party with a spouse of the opposite gender, don’t admit it. It’ll make any LGBTQ party goers feel uncomfortable, and anyone under the age of thirty will think you’re cisgender and thus not hip. Refer to your spouse as a partner instead of a husband or wife.

If you graduated from college, don’t say where you went, especially if you graduated from Harvard.

Don’t say where you work, especially if you work for a social media company and resemble Mark Zuckerberg, or if you work for a defense contractor and resemble Bruce Willis.

Sports and weather are safe subjects.

On second thought, it’s not safe to discuss sports. That might lead to a debate about whether college athletes should be paid, whether professional golfers should join LIV and take Saudi money, whether trans men should be allowed to play on female teams, or whether there is too much money and gambling in sports. It is okay, though, to say that the Ohio State Buckeyes have brains and gonads the size of walnuts.

On third thought, it’s not safe to discuss the weather. That might lead to a debate about global warming and another lecture by the Greta Thunberg lookalike.

Better yet, try to be like a Golden Retriever. Don’t say anything, listen intently, wiggle your ears, and wag your tail. Everyone will love you, even Greta.

Happy Holidays!

Mr. Cantoni lives in Tucson and is often in the doghouse. Contact: ccan2@aol.com or craigcantoni@gmail.com.

About Craig J. Cantoni 29 Articles
Community Activist Craig Cantoni strategizes on ways to make Tucson a better to live, work and play.