The New Hampshire Lampoon

The New Hampshire Republican debate showed Governors Christie and Bush joining to attack Senator Marco Rubio because he did well in Iowa and the three Governors are showing poorly.

Questioner: Mr. Rubio, Senator Santorum, who we all know, dropped out of the race and endorsed you, had a hard time when asked on national television, listing your accomplishments as senator. Tonight, what are your accomplishments in the Senate that demonstrate you are ready to be president of the United States?

Rubio: Well, let me say, from protecting the people of Florida from imminent domain abuse, to bringing accountability to the V.A., to the Girls Count Act, to sanctioning groups, I’m proud of my service in the United States Senate and before that, in the Florida legislature.

I will say, if politics becomes and the presidency becomes about electing people who have been Congress or in the Senate the longest, we should all rally around Joe Biden. He’s been around 1,000 years. He’s passed hundreds of bills and I don’t think any of us believe Joe Biden should be president of the United States.

Trump: I’ll be the best president. I’ll create soooo many jobs, workers will be spilling into the oceans.

Questioner: I do want to ask Governor Christie, Governor Christie, you said fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me when it comes to electing a first-term senator. You heard Senator Rubio make the case that he does have the experience. Your response?

Christie: Sure. I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations.

First, let’s remember something. Every morning when a United States senator wakes up, they think about what kind of speech can I give or what kind of bill can I drop. Every morning, when I wake up, I think about what kind of speech can I give or what kind of bill I can sign. There’s a difference.

Trump: I have the best temperament. I’ve built thousands of temperaments. I employ thousands of people with temperaments . . .

Rubio: Well, I think the experience is not just what you did, but how it worked out. Under Chris Christie’s governorship of New Jersey, they’ve been downgraded nine times in their credit rating. This country already has a debt problem, we don’t need to add to it by electing someone who has experience at running up and destroying the credit rating of his state.

Christie: Excuse me . . . he mentioned my name and my record . . . I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations.

You see, everybody, I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Trump: We’re going to win with Trump. We’re going to win. We don’t win anymore. We’re going to win with Trump.

Rubio: Chris — Chris, your state got hit by a massive snowstorm two weeks ago. You didn’t even want to go back. They had to shame you into going back. And then you stayed there for 36 hours and then he left and came back to campaign. Those are the facts. Here’s the bottom line. This notion that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing is just not true. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations.

I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Trump: I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively.

Rubio: Well, that’s the — that’s the reason why this campaign is so important. Because I think this notion — I think this is an important point. We have to understand what we’re going through here. We are not facing a president that doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows what he is doing. That’s why he’s done the things he’s done.Aboldblend of form and function.

That’s why we have a president that passed Obamacare and the stimulus. All this damage that he’s done to America is deliberate. This is a president that’s trying to redefine this country. That’s why this election is truly a referendum on our identity as a nation, as a people. Our future is at stake.

This election is not about the past. It is about what kind of country this is going to be in the 21st century, and if we elect someone like Barack Obama, a Hillary Clinton, a Bernie Sanders or anyone like that, our children are going to be the first Americans to inherit a diminishes country. That will not happen if I’m elected.

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations.

I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Trump: We’re tired of being led by stupid people. They’re stupid people.

Bush: Why don’t you mention my name so I can get into this?

Question: I’m sorry, Governor Bush, I forgot you were here.

Trump: We have — tremendous — has been just sucked out of our country by China. China says they don’t have that good of control over North Korea. They have tremendous control. I deal with the Chinese all of the time. I do tremendous — the largest bank in the world is in one of my buildings in Manhattan.

Rubio: Here’s the broader point, as well, and then I think it touches on what Donald just mentioned. Barack Obama views America as this arrogant global power that needed to be cut down to size. This is a president that views this country as a country that’s been too powerful in the world and we create problems around the world.

For example, it’s one of the reasons why he had betrayed Israel, because he believes that if we create separation from Israel, it will help our relations in the Islamic world. The same is happening in the Asia-Pacific region with accommodations to North Korea. North Korean should be back on that list of terrorist nations, as an example.

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations. I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Trump: We’re going to win so many times, so many times. You’re going to get tired of winning.

Question: Senator Rubio, this question is about immigration, it is also about leadership. You’re aware of the criticism from many candidates on this stage tonight that you co-authored the so-called Gang of Eight bill that would have created a path to citizenship for people here illegally.

Rubio: Here’s the bottom line. We can’t get that legislation passed. The American people will not support doing anything about people that are in this country illegally until the law is enforced first, and you prove it to them.

This has been abundantly clear. Every effort over the last ten years to do those comprehensively has failed. And it has failed because the American people have zero trust that the federal government will enforce our laws.

And that’s why since then, I have said repeatedly, if you are serious about immigration reform, then the key that unlocks the door to being able to do that is not just to pass a law that says it is going to enforce the law, but to actually do it. To hire the 20,000 new border agents, to finish the fencing and walls, to put in place mandatory e-verify, to put in place an entry-exit tracking system to prevent visa overstays.

And once that is in place and that’s working, I believe the American people will support a very reasonable, but responsible approach to people that have been here a long time, who are not dangerous criminals, who pay taxes and pay fines for what they did.

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations. I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Trump: I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to do things for women that no other candidate will be able to do. I will make women in my image.

Bush: I appreciate that, I really do, thank you.

Rubio: Leadership is ultimately about solving the problem. And the approach that was tried and has been tried now repeatedly over ten years to do this comprehensively, all at once in a massive piece of legislation has no chance of passage.

It is not leadership to continue to try something that has no chance of happening. I want to make progress on this issue. It has been discussed now for 30 years and nothing ever happens.

And I am telling you that the only way forward on this issue that has any chance of happening, meaning gaining the support of the American people, you cannot do this without the support of the American people, is an approach that begins by proving that once and for all, illegal immigration is under control.

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations. I want the people at home to think about this. That’s what Washington, D.C. Does. The drive-by shot at the beginning with incorrect and incomplete information and then the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.

Question: We are now out of time . . .

Bush: Why don’t you mention my name so I can get into this?

Christie: I learned seven years as a federal prosecutor in dealing with these types of situations . . .